You can't be both a good businessman and a good father

Wednesday started without you. For the first time in 47 years, I woke up and my dad was not here. He passed away, February 4th at 9:52 am.

For those who did not know my dad, he was 91 years old and the patriarch of the firm. He first hung his shingle in 1964 and worked until around 2016. In 2014, he celebrated his 50th year as a practicing CPA. Technically, he made it to 60 years as a CPA, though he was retired for the last decade. For me to accomplish that same feat, I would have to grind another 31 years, and that is not a badge of honor I think I care to wear. But don’t worry dear clients, I don’t plan my exit anytime soon as we are building something special.

There are a million stories I could share about my dad, and I need to write them down before I forget them. To be honest, most of them are not fit for general consumption. If you knew my dad, you knew his personality could light up a room, and he did not care who was around or what he said.

The last time my boys saw their PaPa at a Christmas lunch, he asked me, in an octave far too loud for a restaurant setting, “Vincent, do you know what the difference between a hooker and an attorney is?” He was not wearing his hearing aids, so everything came out loud. I wanted to hang my head in embarrassment because he had told that joke hundreds of times and i knew the punchline. But I let him go. At his age, he still delivered it with the same smile and bravado he had 30 or maybe 50 years ago.

I will not give you Don Porter’s punchline. It was certainly not appropriate for his then eight-year-old grandson, though his teenage grandson thought it was hilarious to hear that kind of language from his grandfather. My dad laughed like he always did at his own punchline, and I smiled and tried to quickly change the subject before the Bible study table next to us noticed and asked us to leave.

When my now 17-year-old son Jacob was born, my dad told me shortly afterward, “You can’t be both a good businessman and a good father.” At the time, I did not give it much thought. I was early in my career and didn’t have the perspective that I do now. Plus , it was pretty shitty advice for a first-time father.

As I sat at his deathbed these past weeks, a friend reminded me of that statement. It may trigger some of you. Some of you will vehemently disagree, and some of you may silently agree. As I embark on my 21st year of managing this practice, and after going through the cycles of childhood with my oldest, I do not agree with my dad, but I get it. I understand why he might have believed that.

Maybe that statement was his way of reconciling regrets he felt about his own parenthood. Or maybe it was how he reconciled what he felt were shortcomings in his business progression. Either way, here is the lesson, and here is what I want to talk about.

Whether you are a seasoned entrepreneur, starting a family while juggling a startup, or coming from a family of business pioneers, IT IS HARD!  All of it. The business you are building or trying to sustain. The family you are trying to lead and be present for. All of it demands your best, and it needs your energy all the time.

There is a lot I am thankful for. I am thankful that my dad gave me the opportunity to run, and eventually buy, this practice. I am forever grateful for that.

I wish my dad could have learned what I have learned, and had the chance to live by the rules I have built for myself and for our team. 21 years into this entrepreneurial journey and 17 years into fatherhood, I get it now. It is really fucking hard some days.

Sometimes it is okay to give to one side by taking from the other. We understand that you must stay late to cover a client obligation sometimes, but not all the time. And your clients know you have a family. If you leave early on Wednesday to make your kid’s basketball game, your clients are not going out of business.

So, whether you run a side hustle, a multimillion-dollar syndication, or you are the breadwinner in your family, you face the same challenge my dad faced 50 and 60 years ago. You need to be this for that work. You can be both good in your career and good for your family. But it takes balance and rules. I will not lie to you and say either side is easy. It is not.

You can be a good businessman and a good father. But it requires intention, rules and grace. Some days one side gets more than the other and that is okay. Your clients have families too. They understand.

I love you, Dad. I will forever miss you. I am grateful for the opportunities you gave me and for the lessons you taught me, both direct and indirect.